I continue to find myself in a pattern of recommitting to be patient and kind, to be nurturing and loving especially in frustrating situations, and then losing control, blowing up and then feeling terrible about the kind of mother that I am. It happened again today. At church yesterday, I prayed for more patience with all of my children, especially Jack, who because of the combination of his personality and my personality tend to butt heads several times a day, mostly over small insignificant things like not making his bed, or not obeying the first time he is asked.
This morning the kids were out playing with Stone before school (a regular occurrence now). I open the door to herd everyone into the van for school drop off to find both Jack and Olyvia covered in mud and dirt. Lyv readily admits that her bum is all muddy and Jack just stands there waiting to see how I react. Well it wasn't pretty folks!
I yelled - I told them how stupid it was that they decided to practice sledding in the muddy hill right before school. Barking at them to get undressed, I slammed the door in their faces and raced up stairs to find a new change of clothes for both of them. We were already late....
I continue to tell them how dumb this choice was and yell at them to get into the car. As we drive Lyv breaks down in tears and admits that it was her idea! Then it hit me, and how funny it was! Practicing snow sledding....who does that?? It was hilarious. I start giggling, and then the proper responses start to come out of my mouth:
"I'm sorry I yelled at you!" "It's not a big deal." "Let's try to do that stuff after school when we don't have to be somewhere in clean clothes." Then as they start to smile and laugh at the situation, my eyes sting with tears of regret and frustration at myself. When will I ever get this right? How many times will my kids have to be the subjects of my inability to control my temper, and my unwillingness to let little things go. When they are grown will they just remember how often I yelled at them, told them that they weren't doing it right, corrected little behaviors - OR will they think mom was usually really nice. At this point I don't really know. Motherhood is difficult because it is emotional - every decision, every word that passes your lips, actions that come from your hands seem to feel like monumental moments in time. And is some ways, they are. My kids are molded and shaped by the way I make them feel.
So after saying that I'm sorry, and praying yet again for more patience - I am again recommitting to be better. To be more patient, more kind, slower to anger, and find joy in those small moments. I found myself wishing I would have grabbed my phone and taken a picture of the two muddy culprits to post on instagram, instead I have a heavy heart and two kids whose morning wasn't that pleasant. It's time to be a better mom. It's time to become patient and joyful. It's time to let little things go and make the big things keep those pinpricking words inside my mouth where they belong!
