A week and a half have come and gone, and still I feel like it is a dream at times. Part of me can't really grasp that Ryan is gone. However I feel that I need to record some of the sweet tender mercies that have been given to me and my family during this difficult time.
For Christmas my mom sent me the book The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox. I decided to read it while exercising each morning and I'm am so grateful that I did. This book and its message have come into my mind more than anything else and brought a great sense of peace and comfort to me throughout this past week. It testifies that Christ's atonement is infact continuous, and that because none of are perfect or will be perfect when we die, progression continues in the next life. I feel like this book prepared me to handle Ryan's death with faith, with hope, and with trust in an All-knowing Heavenly Father.
Second I scheduled my trip home for the entire month of February. Just before I headed home, Shawn asked me why I chose February, and I answered I didn't know. I don't believe that this was a coincidence. I can't describe my gratitude at being home when the accident occurred and being able to stay a while longer and be close to my parents and siblings. Our merciful Father in Heaven has a plan and we need to trust in it, and it will reveal His love for us.
Last fall I had a prompting to send Ryan a letter and tell him I love him. I thought about it for weeks and couldn't shake it. I just felt like he needed to hear that. I sent the letter, but never thought about it again. Now I know why I felt that prompting, and I'm eternally grateful that I followed through. I don't allows follow promptings I have, but I will try harder.
Finally during the memorial service and funeral I was able to really reflect on my time with Ryan and on his life. I am so grateful for this time. I learned so much about my brother, and his generosity, his love, and his service to those around him. I am confident that our mistakes will not outway our good works. He truly thought about others and anonymously served when service was needed. As we've struggled to come to terms with the circumstances of his death, one quote from Boyd K. Packer has resounded with me and my family and it reads:
"I repeat, save for the exception of the very few who defect to perdition, there is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no apostasy, no crime exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness. That is the promise of the atonement of Christ.
How all can be repaired, we do not know. It may not all be accomplished in this life. We know from visions and visitations that the servants of the Lord continue the work of redemption beyond the veil." The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness - Ensign 1995 I am so grateful for the gospel that reveals to us the knowledge of life after death, and the infinite and complete nature of the atonement. I have felt an increased compassion and desire to not judge those around me. I feel like Ryan has taught me that. All I can do is my best, and in my imperfect state, I will ask for the Savior's mercy to make me whole. Thank you to all of you who have shown your love, compassion and support for our family at this time. It has been greatly appreciated and words are not enough to express our love for you. Thank you for your kindness.
To Ryan, I love you, and I'm so grateful for the time I had with you on earth. I look forward to the day when I can give you a hug and thank you for your goodness and influence in my life.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
My Brother
Saturday night we recieved devastating news that my oldest brother, Ryan, was killed in a car accident. My heart is so full of sadness, of good memories, of images of him, and of the moments when he blessed my life by being a true BROTHER. I feel that if I don't write down some of these memories, I might lose them, so here it goes...
My earliest memories are of him in boxer shorts rocking out to Guns and Roses, with air guitar in hand. He was 8 years older than me and so I think I've always been his very "little" sister, even now at 27. He had a contagious smile and is noted by that one feature more than any other. He was called "Iceman" after Val Kilmer's character in Top Gun, because he looked so similar to him. He was always with friends and always laughing. I always felt "special" to him, because he had a nickname for me - "Skipper" like Barbie's little sister - and I never questioned his love for me!
Most of my memories however occurred later in life, when I moved down to Utah to attend BYU. It is here that I felt like I connected with him the most. He was always the caregiver to me. He invited Shawn and I over for Sunday dinner nearly every week - which he by the way always cooked. He was an incredible cook. When Shawn and I were first married, he came over and hooked up our cable for us (since he had been a cable guy before). He always took Shawn and I water skiing with his sweet little family, and we loved watching him ski. One night we went to Deer Creek Reservior and went night skiing using GLo-sticks. His glo-stick fell out of his life jacket and so we thought he had dropped - but did that stop him for hanging on? Not once second. He always treated us to dinner and I really loved spending time with him and his family.
I remember him helping us move from Utah back to Idaho and then packing up to head out to Iowa. He was always there to help. I don't know one time in my life when he wasn't there to give a hand. He was always laughing and telling a funny story, but was not a man of many words. He had a great love for his family and for his friends.
My heart aches for his sweet family. Lisa, Christine, Nathan, Lauren, Madelyn, and Charlie are all doing well. They are hurting, but they know that he lives in heaven. I too am so grateful for my knowledge and testimony of the plan of salvation. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for a loving Savior who made it possible for us to repent, to return to live with our Heavenly Father, and to be ressurrected. It is only through that continuous atonement that we can become more like our Savior and Father in Heaven, and that we can all be together as a family forever. I am grateful for priesthood that binds us to together as families for time and ALL Eternity! I am grateful for my brother Ryan, for his love, for his life, for influence for good, and his example of being a true friend. He will be greatly missed. Ryan I love you!
My earliest memories are of him in boxer shorts rocking out to Guns and Roses, with air guitar in hand. He was 8 years older than me and so I think I've always been his very "little" sister, even now at 27. He had a contagious smile and is noted by that one feature more than any other. He was called "Iceman" after Val Kilmer's character in Top Gun, because he looked so similar to him. He was always with friends and always laughing. I always felt "special" to him, because he had a nickname for me - "Skipper" like Barbie's little sister - and I never questioned his love for me!
Most of my memories however occurred later in life, when I moved down to Utah to attend BYU. It is here that I felt like I connected with him the most. He was always the caregiver to me. He invited Shawn and I over for Sunday dinner nearly every week - which he by the way always cooked. He was an incredible cook. When Shawn and I were first married, he came over and hooked up our cable for us (since he had been a cable guy before). He always took Shawn and I water skiing with his sweet little family, and we loved watching him ski. One night we went to Deer Creek Reservior and went night skiing using GLo-sticks. His glo-stick fell out of his life jacket and so we thought he had dropped - but did that stop him for hanging on? Not once second. He always treated us to dinner and I really loved spending time with him and his family.
I remember him helping us move from Utah back to Idaho and then packing up to head out to Iowa. He was always there to help. I don't know one time in my life when he wasn't there to give a hand. He was always laughing and telling a funny story, but was not a man of many words. He had a great love for his family and for his friends.
My heart aches for his sweet family. Lisa, Christine, Nathan, Lauren, Madelyn, and Charlie are all doing well. They are hurting, but they know that he lives in heaven. I too am so grateful for my knowledge and testimony of the plan of salvation. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for a loving Savior who made it possible for us to repent, to return to live with our Heavenly Father, and to be ressurrected. It is only through that continuous atonement that we can become more like our Savior and Father in Heaven, and that we can all be together as a family forever. I am grateful for priesthood that binds us to together as families for time and ALL Eternity! I am grateful for my brother Ryan, for his love, for his life, for influence for good, and his example of being a true friend. He will be greatly missed. Ryan I love you!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Goodbye to the Boot Scoot and Boogie!!
For the past two months Lyv has been on the move - but in her own special way. Our house is entirely wood floor and so I've never put her on her belly to help her learn to crawl. So she learned how to scoot with one leg in front, one leg in back, pulling herself with her chunky arms. When we got to Idaho she had to deal with carpet, and this provided a bit of a challenge for her scooting. She finally gave up her old ways and learned to crawl like a real girl!
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