Tender Mercies

A week and a half have come and gone, and still I feel like it is a dream at times. Part of me can't really grasp that Ryan is gone. However I feel that I need to record some of the sweet tender mercies that have been given to me and my family during this difficult time.

For Christmas my mom sent me the book The Continuous Atonement by Brad Wilcox. I decided to read it while exercising each morning and I'm am so grateful that I did. This book and its message have come into my mind more than anything else and brought a great sense of peace and comfort to me throughout this past week. It testifies that Christ's atonement is infact continuous, and that because none of are perfect or will be perfect when we die, progression continues in the next life. I feel like this book prepared me to handle Ryan's death with faith, with hope, and with trust in an All-knowing Heavenly Father.

Second I scheduled my trip home for the entire month of February. Just before I headed home, Shawn asked me why I chose February, and I answered I didn't know. I don't believe that this was a coincidence. I can't describe my gratitude at being home when the accident occurred and being able to stay a while longer and be close to my parents and siblings. Our merciful Father in Heaven has a plan and we need to trust in it, and it will reveal His love for us.

Last fall I had a prompting to send Ryan a letter and tell him I love him. I thought about it for weeks and couldn't shake it. I just felt like he needed to hear that. I sent the letter, but never thought about it again. Now I know why I felt that prompting, and I'm eternally grateful that I followed through. I don't allows follow promptings I have, but I will try harder.

Finally during the memorial service and funeral I was able to really reflect on my time with Ryan and on his life. I am so grateful for this time. I learned so much about my brother, and his generosity, his love, and his service to those around him. I am confident that our mistakes will not outway our good works. He truly thought about others and anonymously served when service was needed. As we've struggled to come to terms with the circumstances of his death, one quote from Boyd K. Packer has resounded with me and my family and it reads:

"I repeat, save for the exception of the very few who defect to perdition, there is no habit, no addiction, no rebellion, no transgression, no apostasy, no crime exempted from the promise of complete forgiveness. That is the promise of the atonement of Christ.

How all can be repaired, we do not know. It may not all be accomplished in this life. We know from visions and visitations that the servants of the Lord continue the work of redemption beyond the veil." The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness - Ensign 1995 I am so grateful for the gospel that reveals to us the knowledge of life after death, and the infinite and complete nature of the atonement. I have felt an increased compassion and desire to not judge those around me. I feel like Ryan has taught me that. All I can do is my best, and in my imperfect state, I will ask for the Savior's mercy to make me whole. Thank you to all of you who have shown your love, compassion and support for our family at this time. It has been greatly appreciated and words are not enough to express our love for you. Thank you for your kindness.

To Ryan, I love you, and I'm so grateful for the time I had with you on earth. I look forward to the day when I can give you a hug and thank you for your goodness and influence in my life.